Fourth times the charm. I am back into the hospital due to my suicidal tendencies and thoughts. I feel like a bird stuck in the cage and flying around in circles out of boredom. I am neither manic nor depressed; however, I am still placed in the mood and anxiety unit. I feel like the odd one out since my main issues are my hallucinations and delusions. It was my hallucinations that told me to harm myself.
Yesterday evening, I had a horrible delusion. I had a thought put into my head that if I eat, my parents would die. So like any other person with a scary thought, I panicked. I called my mother since I already ate and she didn’t pick up the phone. I went back to my , balling my eyes out with thoughts of my mother and father dying in different scenarios. What calmed me down was a quote I could not remember where it came from but it goes like this: “Being scared is knowledge in the face of danger.” I don’t know why this quote calms me down but it does.
I continue to digress. I stopped eating and the nurses noticed. They wanted to know what was wrong and eventually, I mustered up the courage to tell them about the “knowledge of danger. ” The nurses were genuinely frightened and gave me some medication. ( I am not going to tell you what the medication is because it is different for everyone.) I was able to calm down after a few hours and I had this flawed logic that ” If I eat while I am in front of them and they don’t die, it’s proof that this is a delusion.” Of course, in the end nothing happened and I was finally able to eat eight hours after my last meal.
My psychosis is like my moods, it goes up and down. Sometimes, my psychosis quiets down and does not disturb me. Other times, it is so intense that I have to act to quiet down my voices. Generally, I will listen to my negative voices and do what they tell me which leads to consequences like getting admitted to the hospital. The difference with my mood; however, is that my psychosis is always constant. My mood is never always in mania or depression. Sometimes my mood is at baseline (or “normal” for most people).
I am hopeful that while I am here, I am able to learn something new about my psychosis. Even if I don’t learn anything to cope with my psychosis. I hope that my drastic medication change will help me to cope with my hallucinations and delusions.
PS. By the way, I want to apologize in advance for my grammar mistakes and lack of direction in this post. My mind is racing and my voices are distracting me.